AVOID getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
CREATE instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CLIMB on to your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours'. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your fog lights switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
CHEER loudly at 8pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
X-FILES fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr KVL 741Y.
AVOID jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
THICKEN runny, low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
A NEXT door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
DETER goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any you catch in the act.
SWEETCORN fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
INVITED by vegetarians for dinner? As you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours - ask for a nice steak.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to "fast wipe" whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
OLD contact lenses make ideal portholes for small model boats.
GIVE your office that fabric shop feel by pushing all the desks together and fixing rulers along one edge with Blu-Tack.
FOOTBALLERS, pass the ball slowly amongst your defenders and goalkeeper during extra time and then moan about the "insane lottery" of a penalty shoot-out.
MINOR skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
IDENTICAL twins. Use Morse code to cheat in exams by stabbing yourself in the arm with a sharp compass. The other twin, at home with a text book, can "feel" the question and stab you back the answers.
SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE makes great intestines for a badly wounded Action Man.
SAVE doing unnecessary ironing by putting on your shirt and tucking it into your trousers. Then, draw a line around the shirt at belt level with an indelible marker pen. The material below this line will never need ironing, thus saving time and effort.
SAVE a fortune on laundry bills by giving your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50p.
